As everyone knows, Ulduar 10 and 25 man is right up might and magic’s street (which saves on bus fair) and we have started farming the first 7 bosses. I shall now expose Ulduar for the fraud that it is! Show you there is no need to fear the warped instance with a in depth look (a 2 and/or 3 part) with some basic tactics.

Background of Ulduar:

10 years ago when the world was still young, the titans came back from the pub to find the old god’s has taken a leak on the new rug and they were not best pleased, thinking that mankind etc would never discover the Old gods chained underground in temples which would never stand out and which of course… no one would ever want to goto.
The first old god being locked up on the continent which no one really goes to because lets face it… no one really cares! (Whats that? You can get to outland AND Northrend from Azaroth! AND some of the best of game raids at level 60) in which people worked their arses off to get into. Whilst the “new” one has been discovered by Brann ‘I’m a cheeky lil guy’ Bronzeleg (lets face it.. No one would have noticed it) in which to get in you need the ultimate grindi…..wait what? You just need a flying mount? Really? All you need is a flying mount.

GOLDSHIRE LICH KING

Ulduar today:
Today players can be found in Ulduar trading and duelling whilst screaming n00b at each other, with new patches been released every second they have recently added the lich king himself to the instance, instead of fighting him, he has decided that you should be bestest friends EVER and he wants to give you candy, all you need to do is find his lost pet tree llama who is lost somewhere in Ulduar .

sad

1.Flame Lav
The Flame lav is the first main boss, this giant Toilet chases people all around the shop screaming “OMG I LOVED YOU” and “WHY DONT YOU RETURN MY CALLS!” whilst every 30 seconds changing its attention to another person whilst screaming the same old gibberish (this boss was modelled on my ex). The main tactic to defeating this boss is to fob her off with some random excuse then go down the pub, thus turning the boss emo, after which said boss will retreat into its room and listen to linkin park.
Flame Lav’s texture and model are closely related to the trees that the ancient geeks who settled in cornwall in the late 90’s brought from a travelling fridge.

2. Big Dragon
Not to be confused with small dragon, or not a dragon at all, this dragon has been known to kidnap Gnomes and force them to put lotion on the skin (or else it gets the hose again), this is a optional wipe so if you feel as if you have enough wipes ahead you can skip him, please note the dragon does drop a nice hate with -10000 stam and +11 sexual magnetism which is good for all you lonely tanks ( 0900 number to follow for repents super happy fun time phone line!)

BIG DRAGON

3. Fire guy
This Boss is the second optional wipe of Ulduar, remember he fights like a chav, getting his mates to join in whenever he feels like he is losing, his mates should be tanked like how you would tank a chav, leave him in fire before pulling him into a lake and nuking him.
Fire Guys (aka Ignos or Dave … or something along those lines) looks are based on me in the morning, you can tell by the bearded and the sheer anger for mortals! BASTARDS!

4. Big metal hitty thing
Big metal hitty thing, not to be mistaken for a wall or Cnut, is a impossible fight, with no hope of ever winning, known as the hardest boss in Ulduar there is no chance that any group can kill this guy, just turn back… there is no hope. This should only take you 5 minutes to kill without anyone taking any serious damage or dieting (no more fatty foods for you!)

5. Big bridge guy
Loosely based on the classic film Gandhi (the story of one mans struggle against the English empire and Darth Dave) this fight takes around 3 hours (please note the fight follows the same length and story line of Gandhi) with memorable quotes like: “Tis only a scratch” and “cor blimey gov’nor!” makes this fight a must for all new players (level requirements for this boss is 1-60 and 81-10000 – anything between will make this fight laughable).
He does do one move which can cause a wipe, its called “old mans story”, this happens when no one is in /say distance, he starts to moan about prices and how kids these days don’t treat their elders with respect

Bridge thing

6. 3 friends talking about boys
Like Illididansan (the night elf with fairy wings who likes to play pin the tail on the donkey), your raid will burst into their room whilst they are doing each others hair and talking about boys, please note many wipes have been caused by people giggling for hours after eves dropping on their conversation before the fight, due to this we ask all players to ignore them, if they disobey this order we get them to watch 4 hours of lazy town followed by 4 hours of that bloody awful song they did* (believe me… after 4 hours of listening to a whiney little pink haired freak… you don’t find anything funny anymore…).
The order of the kill is: Dave, tom then Cheeder cheese mc flibble heewaaa heewaaa aWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK batman simonshead.

*This is a extreme punishment, most guild members have ripped their eyes out and their ears off (please note for a split second I forgot how to spell ears)
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To be continued
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